There are a lot of things that I want to get off my chest right now post-last-entry. I really do not know where to start, so, dear reader, please be patient with me. I sense an ADHD post coming up because I will be shifting moods from happy to sad to maybe even depressing then ecstatic then you’d probably be confused (because I am still finding my way around it too), but uh, this is how things will roll today.
My good friend, Isa, has always reminded me that it is okay to be weak. Which, in my opinion is contradictory to my life mantra. My experiences have led me to believe that life is tough, but you can always be tougher. I never wanted to be the little girl running home with tears in her eyes begging for her Mommy. As an only child, I was raised to be independent and doing the things I wanted on my own. But hehe, let’s get to the point: I fell in love with a special boy in 2008. As in the real kind of sappy love happy love magical love everything-is-possible love you-and-I-are-gonna-live-forever love. The perfect love that knows no limits and accepts all mistakes. Even our names were a match.
But the sad thing is, it’s gone now. And it really sucked. And I spent a number of nights crying and moping and reminiscing and then crying some more until I emptied my tear ducts. And this is probably the first time in my life when I felt so crippled and empty and shit. My world came crashing down.
Not that I was looking for an A-HA moment, but I guess it brought light to one of life’s biggest clichés that every dark cloud has a silver lining. And that from the greatest sacrifices come the greatest of strengths. Growing up, I thought, was as simple as handling more responsibility; little did I know that it also involved letting go or putting some of your biggest ones on hold for something even greater. Like my Great Perhaps, for instance, which I know I will find in time. We need to hurt, to feel pain, to feel detached in order to learn how stand on our own two fucking feet.
My oversight, I guess, was that I was so gung-ho about living happily ever after that I took my existence for granted. I closed myself to the possibility of doing Other Things and Living The Question. I’m not going to do a thorough analysis of What Happened and the Shit That Followed. I am in this situation now, and I have to move forward. Honestly, I still feel like reaching out to the past because it was just too damn comfortable and safe. But there lies the excitement of the unknown and living life with all these surprises—however good or bad they may be.
And lastly, we all have our Catfishes (not the weird Internet frauds). How sad it is that we sometimes get too caught up in a romance so surreal that we forget those who have stayed close and have kept us agile through thick and thin. No matter how shitty the situation is, I always thank God for those people nipping on my fin and keeping me afloat.
I believe one of the most important things that I learned from this experience is that we can’t place all our hopes and dreams on people because once shit happens, we think it’s the end of the world when it really shouldn’t be. We can only control what we do and the decisions we make. Whatever happens in life is what we make out of it, so we better make it fucking worthwhile. The labyrinth may blow, but we must choose it still.
Mikka Wee 